– Being married's so nice.
I never knew relationships were supposed to make youfeel better about yourself.
(audience laughing)That's not really a joke, that's just a littlesweet thing I like to say.
(audience laughing) 'Cause I've been in relationships where I got cheated on, like long ones.
I dunno if you've everbeen in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole world view.
'Cause like when I was a kid, I used to watch America's Most Wanted, you know how kids do.
(audience laughing) And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? “How could a human beingkill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.
” (audience laughing) “I'm not gonna do it, but I totally get it.
” And I don't mean in that way of like, “No one else can have you”, like I don't care about that, it's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly.
They have a lot of information.
Anyone who's seen mydick and met my parents needs to die, I can'thave them roaming around.
(audience laughing) Strange, the passage of time.
(audience laughing) I'm not that old, I'm 35.
That is not old, but I am in a new phase right before old, called gross.
(audience laughing) I never knew about this, but I am now gross.
I am damp all the time.
I am damp now, and I will be damp later.
I (laughs), like the backof a dolphin, my back.
(audience laughing) I am slick.
The butt part of my pantsis a little damp a lot, and I don't think it's anything serious, but isn't it, though? (audience laughing)And, I'll be sitting in a restaurant, and I'll get up, and I'll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me.
(audience laughing) I'm gross now.
I've been talking through burps.
(audience laughing) I never used to do this.
When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I'd be like, “Silence!” (mimics loud burping) (audience laughing) Now I'm tryin' to like, push 'em down and muscle through 'em.
(audience laughing) I'll be at dinner, just doin'the bread and the seltzer, fillin' up like a hot air balloon, and then I'm like, “(mimics burp) Did you say “that you were goingto Italy (mimics burp) (audience laughing) “'Cause we have a travel agent.
“She has a travel agent (mimics burp).
“Listen, I'm goin' to the kitchen, “does anyone need anything (mimics burp) “for the, (mimics burp)does anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John.
(audience laughing) I'm gross, I have hairon my shoulders now.
I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.
(audience laughing) I was sittin' up in bed a fewweeks ago, like (groaning).
You know, life.
(audience laughing)And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself, “Monkey, monkey, monkey man, (audience laughing) “monkey, monkey, monkey man.
” Not at me, not to be mean.
This was a song fromdeep in her subconscious.
(audience laughing) I don't even think she wasaware she was singing it, but it was certainly not thefirst time she had sung it.
(audience laughing) I don't know what my body is for, other than just takin' myhead from room to room.
(audience laughing) And it's not getting any better.
I'm 35, but I'm still like, “Hey, when am I gonna get big and strong?” (audience laughing) This is it, this is it.
It's just gonna be this.
I'm like an iPhone, it's gonna be worseversions of this every year.
Plus, I get super hot in the middle of theafternoon for no reason.
(audience laughing) As I get older, it'stough to not get grumpy.
It's tempting, I getgrumpy about some things, like I can't listen to any new songs, 'cause every new song is abouthow “tonight is the night”, and how “we only have tonight.
” That is such 19-year-old horseshit.
I wanna write songsfor people in their 30s called, “Tonight's NoGood, How About Wednesday?” (audience laughing) Oh, you're in Dallas on Wednesday? Oh, okay, well then let'sjust not see each other for eight months, and itdoesn't matter at all.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping) The weirdest thing, when I was like a kid, was how much they scaredus about smoking weed.
They scared us about it constantly, and I've been on tour this year, marijuana's legal in like 18 or 19 states in some form or another, it's insane.
(audience cheering) Yeah, well, all right, don't “woo” if you're white.
It's always been legal for us, c'mon, sir.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping) We don't go to jail formarijuana, you silly billy.
When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert, I did not serve hard time.
(audience laughing) I think I got an award.
(audience laughing) 18 or 19 states, and by the way, I agree.
It's a very good thing, but it's also a really weird thing, because this is thefirst time I've ever seen a law change because thegovernment is just like, “(sighs) Fine.
” You know?(audience laughing) I've never seen it before, like gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle itout in the Supreme Court and be like, “Gay people are humans.
” And they're like, “We'll think about it.
” (audience laughing)But with weed, it was just somethin'we wanted really badly, and we kept askin' them for 40 years, like, “Excuse me.
” (audience laughing) And then suddenly, the governmentbecame like cool parents, and they're just like, “Okay, here.
“Take a little, (audience laughing) “we'd rather you do it in the house “than go somewhere else, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah.
” (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Everything is too fast now, and totally unreasonable.
The world is run by computers.
The world's run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.
(audience laughing) All day long, “May I see my stuff please?” (audience laughing) (John grumbles) (audience laughing) “I smell a robot.
(audience laughing) “Prove, prove, prove.
” (audience laughing) “Prove to me you're not a robot.
“Look at these curvy letters.
“Much curvier than mostletters, wouldn't you say? “No robot could ever read these.
“You look mortal, if ye be.
“You look, and then youtype what you think you see.
“Is it an E, or is it a 3? “That's up to ye.
” (audience laughing) “The passwords have passed, you've correctly guessed.
“But now it's time for the robot test! (audience laughing) “I've devised a questionno robot could ever answer.
“Which of these pictures doesnot have a stop sign in it?” Fuckin', what?(audience clapping) You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot.
Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don'twanna walk into the ocean.