December 3, 2020

Conan O'Brien's DNA Test Stunned His Doctor

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRSTGUEST TONIGHT HAS WRITTEN FOR “THE SIMPSONS” AND “S.

N.

L.

, ” ANDAFTER 25 YEARS, HE'S THE ELDER STATESMAN OF LATE-NIGHT HOSTS.

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATESHOW, ” MY FRIEND AND YOURS, CONAN O'BRIEN! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS )>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH! >> Stephen: CONAN O'BRIEN.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FORBEING HERE.

>> A LOVELY CROWD.

>> Stephen: VERY DPIETD SEECONAN O'BRIEN.

>> WHAT A DAY.

WHAT A DAY.

>> Stephen: BACK ON THE EASTCOAST.

SO A TREAT FOR US.

>> BACK IN TOWN.

BIG DAY.

SUPER BOWL.

THAT WAS A CRAZY GAME.

>> Stephen: IT WAS.

( LAUGHTER )YOU HAVE EXCITING NEWS, THE NEW CONAN.

>> IT'S REALLY NOT.

IT'S THE SAME CONAN.

YOU'RE THE SAME CON CONE CONAN BIT'S A NEW FORMAT.

>> IT'S A NEW FORMAT.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR SO LONG, LET'S DO HALF AN HOUR.

WE NOTICED OUR CROWD AFTER AHALF HOUR, “WE'RE GOOD.

” ( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: REALLY? >> ANYWAY –>> Stephen: I THINK– I THINK IN SHOW BUSINESS WE CALL THAT, “LEAVE THEM WANTING SOME.

” >> EVEN AT HALF AN HOUR THEY'RELIKE, “YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GO TO 15.

” >> Stephen: TONIGHT, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE DRESSED BEAUTIFULLY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: BUT SUEDE– ASUEDE JACKET.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: I'M SEEING– I'MSEEING A LOT MORE LEATHER JACKETS.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: DENIM, A LOT MOREDENIM.

NO MORE SUITS–>> I LIKE TO LOOK LIKE A PROSPEROUS FARMER, YOU KNOW, AFARMER WHO HAS INVESTED WELL IN HIGH-TECH.

THAT'S THE LOOK I'M GOING FOR.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

.

.

>> IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

I GOT TIRED OF WEARING A SUIT, AND I THINK THE SUIT IS GREAT.

I'VE DONE IT FOR SO MANY YEARS– >> Stephen: YOU SAID THAT LIKEYOU'RE AFRAID TO HURT THE SUIT'S FEELINGS.

>> THERE'S A SUIT HERE GOING, “COME OGIVE ME A CHANCE.

” NO, IT LOOKS GREAT.

IT LOOKS TERRIFIC.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU'REINTERVIEWING ME FOR A BANK LOAN.

AND I WANTED TO JUST SORT OF–I'M A REAL HARD WORKER.

( LAUGHTER )I I WANTED TO KIND OF JUST WEAR THE KIND OF CLOTHES THAT I DO INREAL LIFE.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S IMPORTANTTO ME IS THAT I WEAR A JACKET.

I HAVE TO WEAR A JACKET.

>> Stephen: WHY IS THIS? >> THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

>> Stephen: IT'S MY JOB.

IT'S MY JOB.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> I WEAR– I HAVE TO WEAR AJACKET BECAUSE I HAVE TO BREAK UP WHERE MY– THE MIDDLE OF MYBODY IS BECAUSE I HAVE A– AND THIS IS A CONFESSION– I HAVE AVERY DISPROPORTIONATE BODY.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD, IHAD A MASSIVE GROWTH SPURT, MASSIVE.

I AM 6'4″.

I WENT FROM BEING A KID TO 6'4″OVERNIGHT, LITERALLY OVERNIGHT.

MY LEGS GREW AND GREW AND GREW, AND MY TORSO NEVER DID.

I HAVE THE LEGS — THE LEGS– OFAN N.

B.

A.

CENTER, AND I HAVE THE TORSO OF A LITTLE GIRL.

( LAUGHTER )AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE'S NOT EVEN A HEALTHY LITTLEGIRL.

SHE WAS BORN IN THE 1840s HELPHER NAME IS MOLLY AND SHE HAS RICKETTS.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A PICTURE.

>> THAT'S MY TORSO RIGHT THEREFROM A LONG TIME OKAY OOG.

THANKS.

THANKS FOR SHOWING THAT.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S FUNNY.

NO ONE MENTIONED YOU WOULD BESHOWING THAT PHOTO.

>> Stephen: KEEP UP THE B-12.

>> BUT IT IS, I HAVE– AND SO IHAVE VERY, VERY LONG LEGS, AND THIS THEN TINY LITTLE TORSO THATSITS ATOP.

AND PEOPLE THINK I AMEXAGGERATING BUT I CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT I AM NOT– ( CHEERS ).

>> LOOK AT THIS– THIS.

.

.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THIS IS MY NATURAL.

.

.

AND, LOOK, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> I LOOK LIKE A SHORE BIRDAVOIDING AN OIL SPILL, DON'T I? ( LAUGHTER )IT'S JUST A FREAK SHOW.

AND THEN I ARE THIS LITTLE R2D2BODY ON TOP.

IT'S A FREAK SHOW.

>> Stephen: IT IS.

>> IT'S A FREAK SHOW AND IT'SCAUSED ME — >> Stephen: IT IS.

>> AND I HAVE –>> Stephen: NO– NO PHOTOGRAPHS.

NO PAPIER-MACHE.

HE IS ALIVE.

>> HE IS ALIVE.

HE IS ALIVE! AND MY PANTS, I'M ALWAYS PUSHINGTHEM DOWN.

THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN NOW.

THEY ARE ARTIFICIALLY PUSHEDDOWN.

MY PENIS IS HERE.

( LAUGHTER )WHEN I USE A URINAL, I HAVE TO FLIP THE TIE BACK! ( LAUGHTER )UNBUTTON TWO BUT ORNGZ LADY, NOT ONE.

LEAN DOWN, TAKE CARE OFBUSINESS.

>> Stephen: SURE.

SURE.

SURE.

>> IT'S A BAD SCENE, MAN.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> A REAL BAD SCENE.

>> Stephen: SO NO MORE SUITS.

NO MORE SUITS.

>> YOU BREAK IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

I REALIZE I JUST UNDID ALL THEGOOD I'M TRYING TO DO BY DISPLAYING MY BODY.

BUT IT'S BEEN A SOURCE OF GREATSHAME FOR ME AND I WANT OTHER KIDS OUT THERE –>> Stephen: I'M GLAD, I'M GLAD.

>> YOU'RE GLAD I FEEL SHAME.

>> Stephen: YES, A LITTLESHAME IS A GOOD THING.

>> IT'S A VERY GOOD THING.

>> Stephen: AFTER 25 YEARS ONTHE AIR, THE SHOW HAS CHANGED.

WHAT ELSE– WHAT ELSE HAVE YOULEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF OVER THE YEARS? BECAUSE, CERTAINLY, WHEN YOU DOONE OF THESE SHOWS, YOU LEARN WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: BUT THEN YOU'LLFIND OUT THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU NEVER KNEW.

>> YES.

I FOUND OUT– AND THIS ISN'TEVEN THROUGH THE SHOW.

THIS IS JUST LIFE, AS YOU GO ONIN LIFE, WHEN I STARTED MY SHOW, I HAD JUST TURNED 30, I DIDN'TKNOW WHO I WAS YET.

I'VE GROWN UP AND BECOME SORT OFA MAN.

( LAUGHTER )ON TELEVISION, OVER THESE LAST 25 YEARS.

BUT I'M FINDING OUT NEW THINGSALL THE TIME.

I FOUND OUT– I WENT TO SEE MYDOCTOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

AND– JUST FAIR PHYSICAL.

HE WAS DOING THE PHYSICAL.

AND HE SAID, “BY THE WAY, CONAN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE INTO THIS, BUT I DO D.

N.

A.

TESTING.

I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.

WE COULD FIND OUT ABOUT YOURHERITAGE.

” I THINK SOME PEOPLE HAVE DONETHAT– 23ANDME.

I SAID SURE, LET'S DO IT.

HE TOOK A D.

N.

A.

SAMPLE, AND ILEFT.

TWO WEEKS LATER HE CALLED ME UP.

AND HE SAID, “I HAVE NEVER, EVER, EVER HAD A D.

N.

A.

RESULT LIKE THIS BEFORE, AND I'VE BEENDOING THIS FOR 10 YEARS.

” AND I SAID, “WHAT IS IT?”HE SAID “YOU ARE”– AND THIS IS TRUE– “YOU ARE 100% IRISH.

” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NOW, LISTEN, THERE'S MORE.

HOLD IT.

HE SAID, “YOU ARE 100%.

” HE SAID, “I'VE NEVER SEEN 100%ANYTHING.

I'VE DONE THIS WITH LOTS OFPEOPLE.

I'VE SEEN 93.

5.

I'VE SEEN 96.

1.

THERE'S NO SUCH– NO ONE IS 100%IRISH.

” HE SAID, “IF YOU GO TOIRELAND”– AND I LOOKED IT UP AND IT'S TRUE, YOU GET THEIRD.

N.

A.

SAMPLE AND YOU FIND THEY'RE 84% IRISH.

THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN–TRUE FACT– 11% SPANISH.

( LAUGHTER )AND I– HE SAID, “YOU'RE 100%.

” AND I SAID– I DIDN'T KNOW WHATTO MAKE OF THIS.

I SAID, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”HE SAID, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IT MEANS YOU'RE INBRED.

” AND HE SAID IT– HE SAID IT JUSTLIKE THAT! HE SAID IT LIKE THAT, “”YOU'REINBRED.

” AND I WAS LIKE, “WHAT!”FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S VERY RUDE.

BUT THEN ALL THIS STUFF STARTEDTO MAKE SENSE TO ME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING CAMETOGETHER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELL, CAN I ASK–IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, IN YOUR GENERATION, IS YOUR WIFEIRISH? DID YOU–>> HERE'S WHAT WHEREIT GETS CRAZY, OKAY.

BECAUSE I– YOU KNOW, I LOOKEDINTO IT, AND I FOUND OUT THE REASON I'M 100% IRISH IS MYPEOPLE– WE CAME TO BOSTON AROUND THE TIME OF THE CIVILWAR.

WE JUST ALL MOVED INTO A VERYSMALL AREA, A KORB CORNER OF WORCESTERRER MASSACHUSETTS–WON'T WOOO WORSTER.

NOBODY WOOOS WORSTER.

THEY MOVED INTO A SMALL CORNEROF WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS, AND MARRIED EACH OTHER FOR 180YEARS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.

AND I REALIZED — AND THEN I SAWTHAT MY BROTHERS WERE MARRYING 100% IRISH WOMEN.

AND HAVING KIDS THAT LOOKED LIKETHOSE KIDS THAT WOULD BE LIKE, “WE'RE OFF TO GET ON THE”TITANIC.

” IT WILL ALL GO WELL.

” SO IRISH LOOKING.

AND SO I– I– I STOPPED THEMADNESS.

I STOPPED THE MADNESS.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WIFE–I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS.

I LOVE HER TO DEATH.

MY WIFE IS 50% IRISH.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 25% SCOTTISH.

25% WELSH.

AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IN MYFAMILY, THEY ACT LIKE, “CONAN GOD JUNGLE FEVER.

” ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) MY BROTHER'S ARE LIKE, “WHAT'SIT LIKE, MAN! YOU WENT CRAZY!”>> Stephen: “CONAN” AIRS WEEKNIGHTS ON TBS, AND NEWEPISODES OF THE PODCAST “CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND” AREAVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY.

CONAN O'BRIEN, EVERYBODY! WHEN WE COME, BACK I SHARE SOMEPERSONAL SPACE WITH STEVE CARELL.

.

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